| The Best Bar Jokes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This is the site for the Best Bar Jokes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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It's sooooooo true This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and some folks can't" Jockeying for a position Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.' Dyke van Dick A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just waisting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!" | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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Whew! A crocodile walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Once upon a time there were three bears, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear. One day the three bears decided to go for a walk because it was a nice day. Whilst they were out this nosey little bitch called Goldilocks stumbled upon their home and by smashing a window entered the cottage. She walked into the kitchen and found three bowls of porridge, a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a greedy cow she ate all three up. Then she walked into the living room and saw three chairs - a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a dirty cow she pooed on each one. Then she went upstairs into the bedroom and saw three beds - a small one, a medium one and a large bed. First she sat on the biggest bed but it was too hard, then she sat on the medium sized bed but alas it was too soft and then she sat on the smallest bed and it was just right because it had a Teletubbies quilt cover. Goldilocks was so content that she fell asleep. Soon after, the three bears came back from their walk. "Who's been eating our food?" wailed mummy bear "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear "Your food tastes like shit anyway!" Then the three bears walked into the living room "Who's been pooing on my chair?" wailed mummy bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear. "We always poo on our chairs." Then the three bears went upstairs because they were tired after their walk and they were looking forward to a bit of hanky panky because they are funny little bears. "WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?" bellowed daddy bear. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" cried mummy bear. "Look, look there's somebody in my bed" said baby bear with glee. On hearing all this commotion Goldilocks woke up with a fright and immediately ran downstairs and all the way home and that was the last they ever saw of Goldilocks. "That's all very well" replied the bartender "but why the long tale?" | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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